How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
