How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
