Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
