I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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