How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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