dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
