it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
