i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
