he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize