She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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