What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
