I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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