Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
