theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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