Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
