hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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