Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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