i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
