Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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