Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
