I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
