hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize