1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I'm having to shit out rocks
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