I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize