Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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