sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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