I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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