Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
