we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
