Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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