remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
