OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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