but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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