When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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