i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
