You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
