If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
