I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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