Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
