nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
