My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just high enough for therapy.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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