Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
