Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize