Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
