WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
