Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
