walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
