you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
