Whats the glycemic index on semen?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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