She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize