the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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