I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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