I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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