haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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