My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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