haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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