i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
